we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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