My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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