What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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