My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
