If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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