I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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