Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
