you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
