Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
