wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
