The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
