atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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