i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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