Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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