New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
