I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
