Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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