Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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