I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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