if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
