I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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