So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize