It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
