At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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