just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
