At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
