i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
