theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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