You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
