I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
