I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
