I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
