you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
