You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Damn victory sex feels great
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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