Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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