Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
