I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
