I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
