I have demons in me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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