I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Drunk is a universal language darling
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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