Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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