He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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