he puts the penis in happiness.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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