It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
