evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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