M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
