I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
