ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
