I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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