I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
