last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
