if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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