literally had 100 drinks last night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
