Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
