Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize