Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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