Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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