Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
