Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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