youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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