I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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