So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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