I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize